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And how to know if it will last
I never had a course in school about relationships.
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I had to learn the hard way through trial and error how to love someone healthily.
Without being taught how to love, our knowledge of what a relationship is supposed to look like is predicated on reality TV and Instagram.
It’s no wonder people have so many relationship problems.
Over-sexualized, and romanticized, the media is painting the wrong picture in people’s heads and causing unreasonable expectations.
Maybe you’re in a loving relationship but want to know if you’re on the right track.
Maybe you have just got out of a relationship that didn’t go well and you’re looking to start anew.
Read also: How to manage stress in daily basis
Either way, this post is for you.
You serve without keeping score
While there are many love languages, one of the most generous ways to demonstrate love is by serving without seeking something in return.
This might mean getting up from the couch to take the garbage out on a rainy night or offering to cook when your significant other is coming home late from work.
Giving without receiving equals a healthy relationship.
You offer to do things you wouldn’t normally do because you want to lighten the load of life.
Many of my previous relationships functioned on a give-and-take system. How I was treated depended on what I did for the other person.
In one relationship I was expected to take my girlfriend out to a new restaurant every Friday. When I didn’t, she didn’t want to see me for the weekend.
As a poor college student, you can bet it didn’t last long.
My current significant other taught me love isn’t supposed to be conditional. She loves and cares for me selflessly and doesn’t expect anything in return.
Of course, I love to spoil her with flowers, chocolates, and surprise date nights.
Read also: 8 ways to become a better husband right now
You grow through conflict
Every relationship has disagreements.
They are bound to happen when you spend so much time alone with one person. But there’s a significant difference between healthy disagreements and harmful ones.
The healthy way to handle a disagreement is to discuss, find a solution, make up, and move on.
People in a stable relationship fight less and focus more on solving the problem. They avoid pernicious “you” statements and instead use “I” statements to express how they are feeling.
This is how emotionally mature relationships operate.
The trouble arises when one or both persons feel like they have to win. If you’ve ever experienced a toxic relationship, you know what I’m talking about.
When an emotionally unstable person doesn’t get what they want, they take it out on you. Sometimes they blow up in the heat of the moment while other times they might shut down and ignore you for the rest of the day.
This is not the type of relationship you want to be in.
Healthy couples understand that disagreements are a part of relationships. And while nobody enjoys arguing, conflict can bring people closer if couples are willing to learn and grow from it.
I find most of the time disagreements happen because of miscommunication. Working on my listening skills has greatly helped reduce the amount of conflict in my current relationship.
You are OK with being separate
Infatuation is a fickle thing.
When you first fall in love you never want to be separate from your person. But too much time spent with them can backfire and breed resentment. So you have to strike a fine balance.
Healthy couples are okay with space. They can take time away from each other without worrying. They understand distance now and then can bring about newfound appreciation for their significant other and imbue passion in a relationship.
It’s important to remember that while you are together, you are still two unique humans each with individual needs. For a relationship to flourish in the long term, you have to maintain your hobbies and friendships.
If your significant other loves you, they won’t try to change you. Rather, they’ll encourage you to engage in your passions because they want you to be happy.
Take it from Grandma who said, “There was never a dull moment with your grandfather. Spending time apart brought about the sweetest reunions and kept life exciting.”
You sacrifice for a future together
Many questions must be answered for a fulfilling life.
There comes a time when you must decide where you want to live, whether or not you want to have children, and most importantly what you want to accomplish in life.
The answers to these questions are different for everyone. But for a relationship to last, they eventually need to be discussed.
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For two people to make it together in the long haul, they have to be willing to make sacrifices for the betterment of their collective future.
Some of these sacrifices might involve relocating to another state for your partner to take a better job, or providing them financial support while they seek out higher education.
Other sacrifices might involve quitting alcohol to be more emotionally present or picking up extra chores around the house while your significant other works on a new goal.
For a relationship to last, there has to be some planning involved.
I know a lot of people who are scared to plan because they don’t want to get their hopes up just to be hurt down the road. But planning a life together doesn’t have to be an intimidating conversation.
It can be a time to better get to know your partner’s hopes and dreams and an opportunity to share those dreams.
Life may not always go as planned, but when road bumps do come up, you’ll have a game plan to stick to.
Contributed by Dr. Jesse Pedersen
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