🌻How To Create a Happy Life Outside Your Phone

A guide to control the reception of dopamine and recover your focus.

I got my first smartphone when I was 13.

I remember the feeling of happiness that I had because I did not have to say goodbye to any of my friends and leave my parent’s computer. I was finally going to be online all the time.

From that moment, I never stopped using my phone.

I took it everywhere. To school (even though it was forbidden), to the church, to the bathroom, I slept with it under my pillow; I just never was without my phone.

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I became a zombie of my phone.

There were moments when it was wrong using it, but I managed to use it anyways. I never felt like it needed a break, even when the situation called for it, and I’ve always been proud of the times I could get away with it when I shouldn’t have used it.

The consequences began two years later.

School finished every day at 4 pm, and it was impossible to focus after that time. I couldn’t do chores or homework, and I had no energy for anything. So I just ate dinner and used my phone until I fell asleep.

I didn’t understand why, but I could only do homework in the morning when no one was awake. I used to wake up at 4 or 5 am every day to study for tests and do my homework for the day.

Now I know that was because I was overstimulated and lost my focus. So the mornings were the only moment to do any other activity that didn’t involve my phone.

I simply managed to make everything else work so I could keep using my phone instead of stopping using it so I could work on everything else because I never saw it as a real problem until this year.

How I Realized My Addiction to the Phone Was a Big Problem

Several things happened this year that led me to understand that my addiction to the phone was becoming a big problem. Here are a few of them that were the most impactful and made me feel I needed to make a change:

I stopped enjoying anything because I had to record it

One of my dreams was to get on a helicopter; this year, I had the chance to book one of those trips in NYC.

However, for safety and weight control, they put me in the middle of the helicopter (a non-Instagrammable position), and the simple fact of not being able to upload photos on Instagram of that experience made me cry the whole trip.

I didn’t enjoy anything. The whole experience was ruined because I was thinking about my phone.

Nobody wanted me to drive anywhere

No matter how tired my family was, they never wanted me to drive anywhere.

This caused us almost an accident after my boyfriend drove for 8 hours non-stop on a family trip where only he and I knew how to drive because he did not feel confident letting me have the car.

I always thought he didn’t want me to drive because he was a control geek, but now I know that was for his safety.

I couldn’t help my aunt with her surgery

My aunt had surgery this year. She was like a mother to me for several years, and I wanted to be part of this process because she was important to me.

However, none of my family members wanted me to be part of this process because “as I was always on the phone, it could be dangerous.”

My brother didn’t trust me with the baby

My brother had a baby last year, I was the only one with a visa who could help him in the country where he resides, but I wasn’t very helpful because he and his wife didn’t trust me to be alone with the baby because I was always distracted.

One day they even joked that they wouldn’t let me take the kid to the park because I’m not trustworthy and I could prioritize my phone over their safety.

Those things hurt me. I thought that my family was pushing me away for some time. But these things were what helped me realize that I needed to change.

I didn’t want to continue allowing my life to be based on everything I do online; I wanted to build a life outside my phone and be trusted again. I want my loved ones to feel they can count on me.

If you are going through the same thing as me and feel like you need a break, this is how I could control my phone addiction and finally be free of it.

1. Check What Things On the Phone Are the Ones That Really Hurt You and Delete Them

The first thing I did when I decided to recover my life was to check what made me use my phone so much.

One of the excuses I always say when people ask me why I use my phone so much is that I “work and need to be available during my working hours if I am not in front of a computer.”

However, when I checked the apps I used the most, none of them were work-related.

To check on your iPhone, there is an option clicking “settings -> screen time” that shows you how much you use your phone per day and week and what apps are consuming you more time:

Phone screen time in June— By the author
As you can see, most were social media and other apps like Whatsapp to communicate with people.

When you don’t use social media to work, they are a waste of time. Most of the time, you don’t even remember the things you saw while scrolling; you only look for a shot of stimulation.

Therefore, keeping those apps doesn’t make sense, especially if they affect your real life.

So for those apps, I first deactivate the accounts, and then I completely delete them. I didn’t need it for anything productive, and it was just consuming my time.

It’s important to note that I just didn’t delete the apps on my phone but also deactivated my accounts because I didn’t want to have any excuse to go back, and even if I re-download the app, it will take me time to recover everything, which could make me reflect.

For apps like Whatsapp or Zoom that I use to communicate with my family, I turned off most of the notifications. I also used Focus, an iPhone app that helps me choose the apps and people that can show me notifications to control the exact people that could reach out to me during specific times.

Focus app on iPhone— By the author
I used to believe that I needed to have my phone close to me and my WhatsApp turned on for an emergency, but there are other ways to reach out to people if they really want to talk with you, so this is only an excuse to have your phone on your hands.

2. Stop Making Your Phone Available for You All the Time

The second thing I did to recover my life was to stop bringing my phone everywhere, especially in places where I didn’t need it.

I first started with the house. I stopped sleeping with it close to me, and I put don’t go zones with the phone, for example, in the kitchen and bathroom.

At first, it was hard not to have it closer, but then I realized that I didn’t need it in those spaces and could focus on the task I had to do there.

I also started my day earlier, which helped me have more done than before because now I don’t spend 20–30 minutes in my bed scrolling through things.

When I was used to not using it in the house, I started not using it in places like the gym, cinema, supermarket, or with my friends.

One example that had a significant impact was at my mom’s house. I live close to her, and the only people that could need me for an emergency can cross the street if they need me.

That was a small change, but it greatly affected my life and others. My mom was happier that I was 100% present to talk about everything, and I started making more things in the house for her.

I realized how much she needed me but never said anything because I was always “busy” on my phone.

3. Learn to Be Bored Until Your Own Thoughts Are Not a Problem Anymore

Humans have a problem right now: the fear of boredom. We feel that we need to be entertained all the time, and if we think we are a little bit bored doing something, we try to reach our phone to fill that empty space inside us.

This happens when I try to do things I like that don’t involve instant gratification, even if I used to like these things or I really wanted to do them.

One example was last month when I went to the cinema to watch a movie that I was excited to see for a long time. When I was there, I was not entertained enough, so I found myself constantly looking for something on my phone to fill that emotion.

Therefore, the second step to recovering your life outside your phone is learning to be bored.

Once you accept that you don’t need to be entertained as you want all the time, you start enjoying even the smallest things again.

As Meg Panozzo wrote in her article “Is a Fear of Being Bored Holding You Back?” we need to accept the possibility of boredom because this is part of a healthy life, and knowing it can help us create a state of deep work on the things that matter:

“If we let go of our expectations for excitement and novelty and accept the possibility of boredom, we give ourselves permission to sink into the flow state required to practice meaningfully and pursue mastery.

No matter how motivated we are by the end goal, our minds might trick us into thinking we’re bored so that we reach for our phone for something entertaining. Instead, we need to gently remind ourselves that boredom is OK, and practice self-discipline to do the work we know we need to do to achieve those goals which we most want to achieve.”

This is one of the most difficult steps because it is the one that shows us how dependent we are on our phones.

I developed anxiety, felt guilty for not doing anything in certain hours, and felt the need to do chores to not think about my phone.

But little by little, I started learning just to be seated on a couch thinking. And that helped me realize I was addicted to something that didn’t give me anything positive. I still had my work and business, my family and some friends were still there, and I just continued living my life as always. I just had more free time.

4. Replace Your Phone Time for More Uplifting Hobbies Until You Feel You No Longer Need a Phone

Once you accept that some activities can be boring and feel at peace with your thoughts, you will be ready to create a happy life outside your phone.

In this stage, you can find activities you always wanted to do but “could not do because of time” because, like me, you could probably have six more hours of your day to do it.

One video that helped me to achieve this was “So you deleted social media, now what?” by Reece Daniels, where he talks about how most people don’t want to delete social media because they don’t know what to do with free time or believe that the time they are saving is not significant to do something about it.

But after calculating how much time their phone was consuming, most people realized they could build an empire.

In my case, I recovered my passion for reading, and I started building puzzles in my free time. I am also doing programming courses for at least 1 hour a day to achieve a promotion or find a better job, and I am learning Portuguese.

Read also: 4 simple rules to live your best life

Puzzles I made — By the author
Not having social media also helped me focus more on my job, so I now finish the things I had to do earlier. This helps me have more free time to work on the things about my business and finally have space to work on my book.

Those things would not be possible if I still had Tiktok or Twitter installed, and I understood that I always had time, but not for the things that matter.

I feel happier because I understood that social media and using my phone a lot, in general, didn’t bring me anything positive; it was just a way of escaping reality and showing a life that maybe was exaggerated.

Now I can focus on many activities that bring me improvement, and I can do things that can be boring without any interruption.

Finally, I felt more present. I can talk freely with my mom for hours when I visit her without needing to use my phone. I enjoy movies without feeling the need to check my phone. And I am more at peace with myself.

5. Once You Can Control Your Life and Time With the Things That Matter, You Can Recover the Social Media That Gives You the Most Happiness

Of course, some apps can be good with the correct moderation and control. And if you are ready for a life outside your phone and no longer feel the need to be there all the time, you can recover one or two social media.

For example, my best friend followed this guide because he needed more focus on his job, and he now has Instagram back, but only to post pictures of his family and holidays and keep in touch with some friends.

He told me he no longer needed to scroll the whole day, and he reminded himself that long use of those apps could ruin all the progress he had made.

Social media can be good if your life doesn’t depend on what you do there. Some people use it to work and make money, and others to keep in touch with relatives who are not close to them.

But this step is only possible if you manage to create a life outside it.

Final Thoughts

We need to learn to create a life outside our phones because it’s consuming us to the point we are no longer ourselves. My friends and family didn’t trust me with important tasks because I was always distracted on my phone, and I could not focus on anything because I was bored all the time.

I love using my phone, but the overstimulation was ruining my life.

Once I understood that I don’t have to be online all the time, everything changed.

At first, I had anxiety because I needed to look at my phone for distraction constantly, and I feared missing out on something if I was not online. But then, I recover my focus.

I can do tasks faster and without having breaks, I can talk with my family and friends without getting bored, and I can enjoy small things like completing a puzzle or reading a book.

The free time I have for not using social media all the time helped me start focusing on my businesses again, and now I am learning a new programming language and other things for my future.

When you don’t earn money with it, social media can be a waste of time. So the best thing you can do if you are using it too much is to completely remove it for a while until you recover your real life.

Contributed by Desiree Peralta

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