The decision to choose a life partner is one of the most difficult decisions a person faces.
The decision to choose a life partner is one of the most challenging decisions a person faces in his life because it is a decision that draws his entire next life from happiness or unhappiness. Any wrong choice causes excellent regret and sorrow. So we must be careful to choose the right life partner for us.
“Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”― Nicholas Sparks,
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First: the pre-partner selection stage:
Before we enter the stage of choosing a life partner, we should pay attention to the following points:
1. Change the way of thinking:
We have to change how we think about feelings and sensations; we do not enter the relationship thinking about failure and failure, which is what the relationship will reach; negative thoughts hurt our relationships.
2. Determining our desires for a lifetime partner:
We must fully determine what qualities we like and desire in a lifetime partner before we enter into any association and look for them in people we get to know.
3. Identify our flaws before our features:
We must know our shortcomings before our advantages and declare them to the other party so that we know his reaction and whether he can deal with them or not.
Each party must trust that he can go through the experience of marriage and succeed in it, as this trust represents eighty per cent of the reasons for the success of a marriage.
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5. Partner testing:
To ensure that this particular partner is the right one, each party should test the other with real situations to see how he reacts to them.
6. Not rushing to judgment:
He likes not to rush to judge a person negatively or positively; discovering the personality takes time and cannot be considered at the beginning of an acquaintance. We may be attracted to a specific person, but this does not mean that he is the right person, and the opposite may happen, so we must take our time to have a clear picture in front of us.
Secondly: the essential characteristics of a life partner:
There are a set of qualities that are recommended to be available in a lifetime partner because their availability increases the success rates of marriage and its continuation, which are as follows:
1. Trust and sincerity:
Trust and sincerity are among the most critical components of a successful marriage, as honesty should be the basis of the relationship. Any cheating or deception that can destroy this trust should be avoided. Frankness should be adopted even if there are strange thoughts towards the other party.
2. Taking responsibility:
One of the most important specifications that should be met in a future life partner is to take responsibility. The parties about to marry must be aware of the size of the responsibilities and duties required by marriage and be knowledgeable and mature enough to bear them and accomplish them fully.
Independence is one of the essential characteristics of a life partner; that is, the partner should be an independent person who can be relied upon and trusted in his ability to endure and treat any matter on his own without relying on anyone.
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4. Sense of humour:
We need a lot of fun and joy in our lives, so it’s nice to have a light-hearted life partner who has a sense of humour and fun to relieve us of the pressures and difficulties of life.
5. Feeling accepted:
One of the most important criteria for choosing a partner is to feel accepted, attracted and admired towards him, and not to marry just for the sake of marriage itself or to please parents or society.
6. The ability to communicate with him:
Communication is the key to relationships and a reason to bring the two partners closer, so a person should be careful to choose a partner who can communicate with him quickly and conveniently.
Compatibility means the presence of commonalities between the two partners that achieve intellectual harmony, which makes them understand more and enables them to empathize with each other in various matters.
8. Openness and receptivity to criticism:
One of the essential criteria of a marital relationship is that both partners enjoy accepting criticism without sensitivity, being open to and respecting the other’s opinion, and exploiting it in a way that develops their relationship.
The difference of views between the two partners and the opposition of their ideas is average and contained in marriage, but this should not cancel the existence of respect between them, so you should choose a partner who enjoys the status of respect for the other despite his differences.
10. Expression of emotions:
The relationship between the two partners needs constant nourishment through expressing emotions and interest in the other party; therefore, choosing a partner who shows love and expresses his feelings and offers these beautiful emotions makes the relationship continuous and robust.
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Participation is the cornerstone of marriage, as a partner must be chosen who believes in this idea and realizes that married life is a sharing of duties, responsibilities and decisions, and not to throw the blame on the other party, and does not monopolize the right to decide for him alone.
12. Neither harsh nor soft:
As the saying goes: do not be cruel and break, nor soft and squeeze; that is, the partner should not be brutal and violent, nor fragile and spineless does not exist.
One of the essential characteristics of a life partner is to be an ambitious person who seeks to develop and improve his family’s life.
The institution of marriage needs a commitment from both parties, that is, to be committed to each other; each perceives marriage as sacred and does not allow any external party to threaten its stability.
15. Sacrifice and giving:
One of the essential characteristics of a life partner is to be a giving person who believes in sacrifice and compromise to preserve the marital nest.
Vanity and pretentiousness make relationships tiring; therefore. One of the loving qualities of a spontaneous partner is to act and speak modestly without arrogance or conceit.
A self-confident person attracts everyone who deals with him; no matter how important a person’s ideas are, they will not tempt anyone if they are put forward with weakness and lack self-confidence.
It is impossible to live with a stingy person, a mean person is financially frugal in everything, so one of the essential qualities of a life partner is to be generous and ready to give the sweet and precious for the sake of the one he loves.
Do not entrust life with a person who lacks morality, chivalry, honesty, chivalry, sincerity, and respect; morality is an all-encompassing quality, and a person with morality is a worthy person to relate to and live with.
20. Anger management:
It is difficult to live with a nervous person who does not control his anger; one of the essential qualities in a life partner is to be emotionally stable. That is, to control his emotions and not allow feelings of anger to blind his eyesight and destroy his relationship with his partner.
One of the essential qualities of a life partner is to be supportive of his partner, believe in him and his dreams and help him achieve them, as life with him is a beautiful journey of achievements.
22. Age difference:
A life partner should be chosen with a reasonable age difference so that it does not lead to miscommunication between them. As determined by scientists, the ideal difference is five years. A study conducted on four thousand couples showed that couples whose age difference was between five and four and a half years were the happiest compared to those whose age difference exceeded nine years.
A successful marital partnership requires both partners to have a good IQ; life with an intelligent partner is comfortable and pleasant because he will understand his partner and how to deal with him.
24. External appearance:
It is not required in a life partner to be handsome and charming, but it is enough that his figure is acceptable and likeable for the other party.
25. Scientific equivalence:
An essential criterion in marriage is the scientific parity between the partners; that is, there should not be a significant disparity between them at the scientific level because this leads to a difference in the way of thinking of each of them in the style of dialogue and the method of communicating with others.
None of us is perfect, and each of us has advantages and disadvantages; therefore, a person must identify the flaws or temperaments that he does not like in a future life partner and make sure that he can accept and live with them.
27. Give personal space:
Each of us has his own space, which he may spend doing a hobby he likes, sitting with his friends, or any activity he wants, so the life partner must be aware of the need for this personal space for each of them and the need to respect it and not intrude.
28. Questions you should ask yourself while choosing a life partner:
- Will my life be better with this person
- Does this person make me a happier and better person
- Does this person add value to my life
- Do I enjoy spending time with him
- Is this person’s energy good for me
- Does this person listen to me and respect me
- Parents ‘ opinion:
Experts advise introducing a potential life partner to parents and the circle of friends because they are the most knowledgeable people about the human personality and see the points of difference and agreement between them. Therefore they can objectively judge a life partner.
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Thirdly: obsessions delay marriage:
1. The pressure of getting older:
Getting older, especially in our Arab societies, puts more pressure on the young man and the girl, as the force of parents and those around them increases to urge them to get married.
2. Raising awareness:
The more mature the young man and the girl become more aware and knowledgeable about the criteria and conditions for a successful marriage, about the stories of a faltering marriage around them, and therefore are better able to detect flaws in a potential partner, the more complex the choice becomes.
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3. Wrong choice:
The wrong choice of a partner is one of the biggest concerns of a young man and a girl about to get married, as each of them is afraid of falling into this bump, which makes them very cautious, and they delay in deciding to get married.
Fourth: books that are recommended to read for healthy emotional relationships:
The book of emotional intelligence: by Daniel Goleman.
The Five Love Languages: by Gary Chapman.
According to author John Gary, men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.
How to get the love you want: by author Harvell Hendricks.
The art of loving: by Erich Fromm.
Open windows for love and dialogue: by Mohamed Ahmed Abdel Gawad
Thirty secrets of happy couples: by author Paul Coleman.
Love is all we need and some other lies about marriage: by the author Dr John W. Jacobs.
So that love may live long: by Yvonne Dallaire.
A novel of food, prayer, love: by Elizabeth Gilbert.
Choosing a lifetime partner is the most crucial decision in life because you are choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. Happiness is not in the speed of marriage, so be careful not to rush into making this decision.
Key message: Take your time to get to know a potential life partner, discover points of compatibility and difference between you, and ensure all the criteria and specifications mentioned earlier, which are the basics of a successful marriage.
CONTRIBUTED BY Sibouze
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