You’ll make more, live longer, and be happier.
The Sama Family
Fewer people are getting married these days, and of them, more are getting divorced. At first glance, it seems as though the concept of marriage, or even lifelong monogamy, is one fading into a relic. A shadow of what it once was. Perhaps, even, an outdated or obsolete proposition.
My upbringing told a much different story.
If you’ve read my writing in the past, you might’ve seen that my parents still maintain that “old school” romantic love. They’ve been together for more than 40 years and are still just as mushy-gushy as they were when they first met. My late grandparents were together for more than 60 years. Probably 95% of my aunts, uncles, and cousins are all in the same boat.
Why do I tell you this?
Because I want to illustrate that:
1: It is still possible to find this type of love, despite what the social narrative — or even your personal experience — may be telling you.
2: I have seen, first hand, the benefits of how the right partner will enhance one’s life, be it male or female.
For the sake of this article, though, I’m focusing on the gents. My fellow brethren. Mostly because they seem to be the ones who are avoiding monogamy like it’s the plague. A trap. A system built against them.
(Hey, I get it — legally during a divorce you’re probably going to get the shit end of the stick…but in this article let’s just go ahead and assume you’re not going to get divorced, mmkay?)
Rather than being faced with existential dread over the thought of choosing one person for the rest of your life, here are some reasons why you should be excited about finding the right one:
1: You’ll make more money.
I’m hitting you guys right between the eyes on this first point because I know what you’re focused on.
“Bro, a relationship will take my focus off of my hustle. My grind. My dope stacks.”
Well, statistics actually show the exact opposite.
“On average, young married men, aged 28–30, make $15,900 more than their single peers, and married men aged 44–46 make $18,800 more than their single peers.”
There are a variety of reasons why this is true, but my own personal experience tells me a few of my own:
You’ll have a stronger driving force behind why you do what you do. It’s one thing if you have a bad month in your business and can scrape a few pennies together — but it’s a whole other thing if the woman in your life is also busting her ass at work, or talking about creating a future together, or buying a house, or raising a family…suddenly, you’re not just letting yourself down if you slack off…you’re letting her down, too.
You’ll be better supported. Achieving the enormous goals you’ve set for yourself is no easy task, and there are going to be challenges and roadblocks along the way. Knowing that you’ve got the support of a good woman who believes in you, can provide the extra “oomph” that you need.
You’ll stop spending money on dumb shit. When you’re single, it’s easy to buy what you want, when you want, whenever you want. You might put a few things on a credit card, or go out a few extra nights during the week, or go out for lunch at work instead of bringing food from home — all of that, while seemingly (normal), really adds up if you crunch the numbers. Someone who helps you focus and be more mindful of how you spend your days (and your money) can help you find new ways to be more efficient with your wallet.
It triggers your “provider” biology. Believe me, I fully understand that women are outperforming men in a myriad of life arenas. They’re out-educating men and out-earning men. Your female partner very well might make more money than you. But, that doesn’t change your biology. The truth is that men want to provide and protect, even when they don’t need to. This doesn’t mean you’re going to become the primary breadwinner in the family (unless you both agree to that), but I personally believe it does mean that you’ll assume a stronger sense of purpose in this area, and act on it more fully.
===> If you want all of the reasons why married men make more money, read the full Columbia university study here.
2: She’ll teach you new ways of thinking.
Being a woman is a fundamentally different experience than being a man. This is true not matter how progressive or liberal you are.
Women are treated differently in the world, they have different opportunities, they mature and evolve differently, and they see plenty of things that men simply do not.
Of course, this is true of any partner of any gender, in that you can always learn from the person you’re with.
It’s not just all based on life experience, though — women’s brains are simply wired differently than men’s (fully outlined in the must-read book The Female Brain by Dr. Luann Brizendine).
Women can detect danger sooner than men, read facial expressions better, and anticipate pain sooner.
If one remains open to learning from their partner (which, of course, is a necessary attribute of a healthy relationship), they’ll be able to step outside of themselves and consider the different experiences each of us is having every single day.
Those experiences have much to teach us — if we let them.
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3: You’ll have a better sex life.
(Can you tell I’m really selling this in all the right places?)
We all know the jokes about how married men barely have any sex — and sure, some of them are true.
If you have kids, they are especially true — at least for awhile.
There’s a flip side to this, however…
Being in a sexually monogamous relationship encourages you both to fully open up to each other as you get more comfortable over the months and years.
You can express your deepest wants, needs, and desires…
You can explore and be fully present with each other.
You can stop worrying about making a bad first impression, or always having to go out and meet new people, or…transmissible diseases.
Real intimacy, which can only be built through a deep emotional connection, enhances the physical experiences you two share together, as well.
Believe me, I understand the appeal of variety…just ask the 20–30 year old version of myself.
Because of that, though, I also understand that it gets old after awhile.
Eventually you find the fun beginning to fade and the real connection missing from the experience.
What most people do is simply try to fill that hole with even more fun, they think that more women or more experiences is going to solve the problem.
The truth is that the harder you try to fill that gap, the larger it seems to become.
If you want real fulfillment in your sex life — if you want to have not just your physical, but your emotional needs be met, the right woman is going to make that happen for you.
Now, don’t get me wrong — this is not a fire that continues to burn on its own. We must choose to stoke the flames of romance and passion in our relationship for its entirety.
That means both people working to keep this alive…forever.
I am certainly not saying that you should stay in a loveless or sexless marriage or relationship if it’s making one (or both) of you miserable. What I am saying is that if you both pledge to communicate your needs openly and without judgment, you can achieve a balance that makes you both feel perpetually fulfilled and satisfied in this area.
You’ll never be able to do that with someone who you just met at the bar 25 minutes ago.
4: She’ll give you the honest truth.
I saw some of you cringe, just then.
That’s because you don’t all want the truth.
You don’t want to be called out on your bullshit.
You don’t want to hear the things that you already know you can be doing better.
You don’t really want to be challenged…
Like it or not, though, this is exactly what some (most…all) of us need. It’s what we need if we actually want to improve in this life. It’s what we need if we want to become our best selves.
I tell my clients all the time: It’s never my style to be mean or harsh, but it is my job to be honest — because honest feedback is the only way that people can really understand the reality they’re creating for themselves.
Needless to say, it takes an emotionally mature and healthy man in order to receive this feedback without being offended by it.
Also needless to say, any honest truth should be presented with tact, and never in a mean or hurtful way.
If, though, you find someone who stops letting you bullshit yourself (or them) and actually focuses your attention on reality, that is a gift that should never be overlooked.
You cannot solve problems and avoid them at the same time. You must choose one.
5: You will live longer.
Really, what more reason do you need?
So far you’re making more money, having better sex, learning new things, and now living longer?
And we’re only 1/3rd of the way into the article!
As far as marriage and health are concerned, as you might’ve guessed, there’s another study about that.
Multiple studies, actually — and you can read about them at your leisure (click that hyperlink above).
While the studies have their scientific reasons, I think we can all figure out a few logical ones on our own:
Less crappy eating. You’re less likely to just go ahead and order that cheesy fried calzone for the 4th time this week if someone is actually watching you eat it.
Doing less dumb shit. Just like you’re spending less money on dumb shit, you’re probably doing less dumb shit, too. Your decisions change when you have someone you love to come home to, and you’ll probably be more mindful about your actions.
Being more proactive about your health. It might be annoying as hell that she keeps nagging you to go to the doctor…but let’s be honest, you wouldn’t go at all if she wasn’t there to push you.
Moving around more. wink wink No, but really — it’s a lot easier to be completely sedentary when you’re at home by yourself. You already sit too much as it is — you’re sitting on your commute, sitting at your desk, sitting on the couch…having another person in your life is going to help you get up and around, improving your heart health.
There are a wide variety of reasons why married men (generally) live longer than their single counterparts, but all I know is that the more good and healthy years I can get — the better.
6: She’ll keep you focused.
Before I met my wife, I was all over the place.
I had moved to Hollywood for a year, I’d spent a month in Harlem, I was traveling to Manhattan from Boston on a whim just to have dinner on a regular basis. Bouncing to Las Vegas to be on talk shows…
And you know what? I loved every waking moment of it. I’d never sacrifice those experiences that I had, it made me who I am today.
However, I wasn’t setting my life up for the long-term. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever get married, or have kids…and now I’m living a life that has both!
If I hadn’t met Rachel, though, I’d probably still be floating around and taking life as it comes.
I do think that we should all live like that at least once, for a little while. I think we need to figure out who we really are, to explore the world and its offerings. To meet a wide variety of people. To see where we feel the most comfortable, most free, and most connected to ourselves.
At some point, though, we need to make a decision based on the information we’ve been given.
Some people choose to be nomadic their entire lives — and to that I say — more power to you!
For most of you reading this article, though, you want a stable and steady foundation in your life, so you need to choose a direction eventually…you can’t wander around looking for it forever.
In my experience, a good woman is going to keep you grounded and focused. You’ll have less of a reason to bounce around like a ping pong ball, and much more of one to choose a lane, and stay in it.
7: She will help you build confidence.
All of my readers and my private clients know that I believe true confidence must come from within. Real self-worth is something that only you have the power to decide.
Sometimes, though, we need someone to help us recognize the great things about ourselves. Or maybe introduce us to them in the first place.
And, when it comes to dating, it really can be discouraging when things never seem to work out, I understand that.
So, then, the right person coming into your life will fundamentally change the game for you.
They’ll help you recognize your positive qualities by complimenting you on them.
You’ll feel good about yourself when you do nice things for them.
You’ll let go of insecurities when you feel their attraction to you.
You’ll build further confidence as you become more productive, based on the points we’ve already discussed.
Now, of course, it’s never someone’s job to “fix” you, nor is it yours to fix them.
But, you don’t need to be fixed, because you’re not broken. You just need to open yourself up to new visions of who you are, and who you’re capable of becoming.
Sometimes, all we need to bridge that gap is a loved one showing us the way.
8: She will make you feel more energized.
We’ve all felt that excitement of new love. The passion, the lust, the vibrancy, the energy of it all.
The push from within to shout it from the rooftops, tell everyone in your life, and talk to them for hours on end.
This is a level of energy that can fuel many different parts of your life.
It can make you feel more inspired going to work, more disciplined going to the gym, more dedicated to your chosen craft.
The right person’s presence in your life will never make you feel drained, weighed down, or exhausted — but excited about the future you’re creating together.
9: She’ll lighten the load.
Let me be clear about this — relationships are not a place to dispose of your trash. A loved one is not a “resource” for you to use. You’re supposed to be an equal partnership, working together to create the life and love that you both desire and deserve.
Working together, though, means sharing the good and bad that comes along in life.
It means being there for you to confide in, and you being there for them to do the same.
It means having someone to cry with during a loss — but also to celebrate with during a win.
It means sharing tasks to be more efficient together.
It means that she will pick up the slack when you slip, just as you pick it up when she does.
When two people pledge to support and stand by each other, it feels as though a weight is lifted — the weight of doing things alone.
This is true no matter how strong or resilient you are. Just because you can carry the load of life by yourself, doesn’t mean you should have to.
10: She’ll make life’s victories sweeter.
Alright, sure, you both support each other during the challenging times…but what about the exciting and fun times?
What about when (if) you propose and get married?
What about when you buy your first house together?
What about when you sell your business for millions?
What about when you downsize your life and volunteer at the local church?
It really doesn’t matter what “victory” looks like in your life, the enjoyment of it will be enhanced when you’ve got the right person by your side.
They’ll be right there in the proverbial front row, cheering you on. Celebrating your wins as if they’re their own. By doing so, you’ll feel even more elevated as the experience is magnified by their enthusiasm.
As you both win together and you’re by her side in return, you will become an unstoppable team.
11: She’ll be your “plus one” to everything, forever.
Just think: No more scrounging around on Tinder at the last minute to find a date to your cousin’s wedding so your Grandma Esther doesn’t ask you for the millionth time when you’re settling down!
12: She will see (and love) you for who you REALLY are.
When you’re single and dating, you are always putting yourself out into the world as a “product,” or a brand. I’m not saying this as a bad thing, I actually believe that strategic projection (of your true and authentic self) is a necessary part of attracting the right person.
How else, after all, will the person you’re looking for be able to find you?
Even though you’re being fully honest and up front with everyone you’re dating (right…?) getting to know someone is a process. At times, a lifelong one.
It takes time, trust, respect, and love to fully open up to a person. We must feel safe doing so, which is a feeling that must develop on its own.
As it does happen, though, a good woman is going to see the version of you that only exists at home. The one that has insecurities, fears, doubts.
Also the one that works his ass off, that loves his family, that does whatever it takes to make her happy.
She’s going to see the good, the bad, and the ugly — that’s part of being in a relationship. It’s part of loving someone.
We can’t just pick and choose the parts of a person that we accept.
No, you don’t have to (nor will you probably) like everything about a person — sorry, but that’s just the reality of it.
You must, though, accept and embrace everything about them.
Their messy past, their weird habits, their strange sleep mask they insist on wearing every night.
HOWEVER — when someone really sees you in ways that nobody else ever does — and still loves you for it — you’ll feel more “at home” with them than ever before.
13: You’ll learn how to be selfless.
Entering into a relationship requires an entirely different approach to life than being single does.
You need to compromise, to consider someone else in your major decisions, to shift your priorities around, to build a more stable and solid foundation for your life.
To stop only thinking of yourself.
Sure, you could stay in a relationship and continue living as if you’re single, but only until she’s tired of dealing with your crap and moves on to someone capable of monogamy.
The right woman, though, will make you completely forget about that way of living.
You’ll start thinking more collaboratively, and less as a one-man show.
You’ll start saying “we” instead of “me.”
You’ll start picturing her alongside of you during all of your events and engagements.
You’ll start thinking about what you can do for her, rather than for yourself.
This, gentlemen, is a sign of growth. The world is bigger than you are, and being selfless will empower you to further step into it.
14: You’ll become more patient and tolerant.
Stretching anything, at first, is painful. A difficult and strenuous process…especially if we’re talking about your jeans after Thanksgiving dinner.
Patience and tolerance can feel equally as tight at times, particularly when you’re used to doing things on your own.
I, myself, thought I was a patient person until I started living with two children. Boy, was that a wake-up call.
However, it put me in a position where I could choose stagnation or growth. I would essentially be sabotaging myself if I held the same expectations for my new life, as I did my old one.
I had begun living in a fundamentally different reality which came along with an entirely different set of rules and norms.
If I were to chose to continue living in that new reality, I’d have to embrace and accept all that came along with it.
By doing so, I grew as a person. I evolved, became less focused on myself, and more on others — the rest of the family.
It continues to be a process, as anything worthwhile in life is. But the only alternative to growth is staying inside of your comfort zone…and nothing worthwhile ever happens there.
15: She will give you a higher sense of purpose and meaning.
There are two major concepts I focus on with my private clients: Identity and purpose.
I tell them all that if you hear me say it once, you’re going to hear it a million times.
This is because I believe that identity and purpose (see?) are the driving forces behind everything we do in life.
Our identity reflects our values, our beliefs, the way we see ourselves — and therefore the way we show up in the world. It dictates how we treat people around us, and what we allow into our lives. It simply sets the standards for the life we are going to live as well as the person we are going to become.
Our purpose, though, is a deep-rooted reason why we are doing what we’re doing.
We can work hard all day long to buy the watches, the cars, the houses, and the clothes.
And…that stuff is great. It’s fun to achieve these goals and feel good about yourself in the process.
At the end of the day, though, it’s stuff, and many people sacrifice their relationships so they can get more of it.
Inevitably, they wake up one morning surrounded by all of the things they worked for, and forget why.
They forget why they wanted that thing that’s been in the box for 6 months.
They realize that nobody is going to see it, because they pushed away their friends, family, and relationships while they were too busy working for it.
They quite simply lose — or lost — sight of their purpose.
Being with a good woman though, gives us a deeper meaning behind our reasons. It pushes us to work for something that’s more important than our frivolous or materialistic desires. It helps us begin to create a vision larger than just making a living…but instead, creating a life.
Fulfillment becomes the goal.
The right woman will help you understand that the most valuable things in life can’t be bought, appraised, or displayed…
They can only be felt with the heart.
CONTRIBUTED BY James Michael
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