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The art of not caring: 8 steps to stop seeking approval from other
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Thereās a huge difference between living for yourself and living for others.
The difference lies in approval. Continually seeking validation from others is like being a puppet on strings, dancing to their tune, not yours.
Living for yourself, however, means making your own choices ā even if they donāt align with what others expect or want from you.
As someone who has walked this path and learned a thing or two about mindfulness and Buddhism, I believe there are steps you can take to stop seeking approval from others. And trust me, itās liberating.
Here are eight steps that Iāve personally found helpful in mastering the art of not caring.
Letās dive in.
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1) Recognize your worth
We often find ourselves in situations where weāre constantly trying to prove our worth to others. Itās like being in a perpetual audition, trying to land a role that we think others will appreciate.
But hereās the thing: your value isnāt determined by the number of likes on your social media post or the approval of your boss. Itās determined by you.
This is where mindfulness comes into play. It encourages us to shift our focus inward and recognize our intrinsic worth. And believe me, this can be quite empowering.
By practicing mindfulness, you start to understand that your worth isnāt contingent on anyone elseās opinion but your own.
When you find yourself seeking validation from others, take a moment to pause. Reflect on your own worth and remember that you donāt need anyone elseās approval to feel good about yourself.
2) Embrace imperfection
Perfection is an illusion. Weāre all beautifully flawed in our own unique ways and thatās okay.
As someone who has spent years studying and practicing mindfulness and Buddhism, I can tell you that one of the most freeing experiences is accepting your imperfections.
One of my favorite quotes from renowned mindfulness expert, Jon Kabat-Zinn, captures this beautifully. He once said, āYou are not a problem to be solved, but a person to be experienced.ā
This quote struck a chord with me because it reminded me that weāre all works in progress. And thereās absolutely nothing wrong with that.
When you find yourself striving for perfection to please others, remember these wise words from Jon Kabat-Zinn. Youāre not a problem to be solved but a person to be experienced ā with all your strengths and flaws.
Embrace your imperfections. Theyāre what make you unique. And trust me, those who truly care about you will love you for who you are, not what they want you to be.
3) Understand the nature of suffering
Buddhism teaches us that suffering is a part of life. Itās inescapable and universal. But it also teaches us that much of our suffering is self-inflicted, often arising from our constant need for approval.
We suffer when we attach ourselves to the idea of being liked or accepted by others. We suffer when we worry about not living up to someone elseās expectations. We suffer when we let othersā opinions define our self-worth.
This is where the profound wisdom of Buddhism can be truly liberating.
The Buddha said, āYou can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.ā
This wisdom urges us to turn our quest for approval inward, to seek acceptance not from others but from ourselves.
Your worth isnāt determined by how much youāre liked or disliked by others, but by how much you like and accept yourself. And thatās a powerful truth to live by.
4) Practice mindfulness
In our constant pursuit of approval, we often forget to live in the present moment. Weāre either regretting the past or worrying about the future, and in doing so, we miss out on the beauty of the now.
This is where mindfulness comes into play.
Mindfulness is all about being present ā being fully aware and engaged in the current moment, without judgment or distraction. Itās about observing your thoughts and feelings as they are, not as you wish them to be.
When you practice mindfulness, you start to notice how often your thoughts drift towards seeking validation from others. This awareness is the first step towards change.
Once youāre aware of these thoughts, you can choose to let them go. You can decide not to engage with them or let them influence your self-worth.
Take a few moments each day to be mindful. Sit quietly, focus on your breath, and observe your thoughts without judgment. You might be surprised at how liberating it feels to simply exist in the moment, free from the need for approval.
5) Live with impact, not ego
Itās easy to confuse being liked with being impactful. But theyāre not the same thing. In fact, they often pull us in opposite directions.
Being liked often involves playing it safe, saying what others want to hear, and rarely rocking the boat. On the other hand, being impactful often involves taking risks, speaking your truth, and occasionally ruffling feathers.
I explore this tension in-depth in my book, āHidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Egoā. I discuss how Buddhism teaches us to live authentically and impactfully, without being driven by our ego or the need for approval.
In the end, when you look back at your life, it wonāt be the likes or approvals that count. It will be the impact youāve made on others and the world around you. So why not start living for impact rather than approval today?
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6) Cultivate self-compassion
We often judge ourselves harshly, magnifying our flaws and dismissing our accomplishments. This self-criticism stems from our need for approval ā we believe weāre not good enough unless others tell us so.
But mindfulness and Buddhism offer a different perspective.
They teach us to cultivate self-compassion, to treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding weād show to a friend. They remind us that everyone, including us, has strengths and weaknesses ā and thatās perfectly okay.
Thich Nhat Hanh, a renowned Buddhist monk, put it beautifully when he said, āTo be beautiful means to be yourself. You donāt need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.ā
When you find yourself being your own worst critic, take a step back. Treat yourself with compassion. Remember that youāre human, and itās okay to be imperfect. Above all, remember that your worth isnāt defined by othersā approval but by your own acceptance of yourself.
7) Let go of control
We often seek approval as a way to control how others perceive us. We want to be liked, admired, respected. But the truth is, we canāt control what others think or feel about us ā and thatās okay.
Buddhist teachings emphasize the importance of letting go, of surrendering control, and accepting things as they are. And this includes letting go of our need for approval.
As mindfulness expert, Tara Brach, wisely stated, āThe boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.ā
This quote is a powerful reminder that our freedom lies in accepting that we canāt please everyone and thatās not our job. Our job is to live authentically and true to ourselves.
Let go of the illusion of control. Accept that you canāt dictate how others perceive you. Instead, focus on living authentically and let people form their own opinions. Trust me, itās a liberating experience!
8) Seek disapproval
This one may sound counterintuitive, but bear with me.
In our journey to stop seeking approval, itās helpful to intentionally seek situations where we may face disapproval. This doesnāt mean being disagreeable or disrespectful for the sake of it. Rather, it means standing up for your beliefs, expressing your true self, even if it might not align with what others expect or want from you.
Mindfulness encourages us to face these situations head-on and observe the feelings that arise without judgment. This can be uncomfortable at first, but itās through this discomfort that we grow and learn to detach our self-worth from othersā opinions.
Actively seeking disapproval helps us realize that itās not the end of the world when someone disagrees with us or doesnāt like us. It teaches us resilience and reaffirms that our worth is not tied to the approval of others.
Go ahead, step out of your comfort zone. Seek disapproval. You might be surprised at how liberating it feels to be true to yourself.
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Conclusion
The journey to stop seeking approval from others is not an easy one. It requires self-awareness, courage, and a willingness to step out of your comfort zone. But trust me, itās a journey worth undertaking.
Remember, your worth is not defined by othersā approval but by your own acceptance of yourself. So start living for yourself. Embrace your imperfections. Understand the nature of suffering. Practice mindfulness. Live with impact, not ego. Cultivate self-compassion. Let go of control. And finally, dare to seek disapproval.
These eight steps arenāt just random tips ā theyāre a roadmap to living authentically and freeing yourself from the need for approval.
If youād like to delve deeper into this journey, I invite you to check out my book āHidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Egoā. It offers more insights into living an authentic life based on Buddhist principles.
Remember, life is too short to live for othersā approval. Start living for yourself today!
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By Lachlan Brown
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