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There’s a lot of doom and gloom around raising teenagers, but you’re actually crushing it!
As the parent of a teen, I know how easy it is to constantly second-guess yourself and focus on all the things you’re doing wrong. After all, articles, books, TikTok videos and plenty of people tell us how we’re messing up our teens, what we’re not doing that we should be doing, and more. Then, your teen is quick to let you know you’re getting it wrong too. They have no problem making you feel like “you just don’t get it” or you’re the worst parent in the world.
Sheesh! Parenting is hard! Even the United States Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, M.D., recently highlighted that parents are experiencing more stress and pressure than ever before, which he calls “an urgent public health issue.”
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Although raising a teen can be tough and things may seem bleak at times, here’s some much-deserved good news. If you’re doing any of the following, give yourself a huge pat on the back. You’ve earned it!
Read also: 10 micro habits that can drastically change your life
1. You still show them affection.
We get it. When kids are younger, they’re way more cuddly and the perfect size for bear hugs. Teens are bigger, taller, sometimes smellier and way too cool for a hug from Mom or Dad.
Despite their standoffish attitudes, teens still crave and need affection, says Cameron (Dr. Cam) Caswell, Ph.D., an adolescent psychologist known as “the teen translator.” They just need it in a different way than when they were younger. “It’s a win if instead of withdrawing or getting upset when your teen bristles under your hugs and kisses, you adapt to their changing needs by giving them a shoulder squeeze or a fist bump,” Dr. Cam says.
2. You’re involved, but not overbearing.
“Teens want to feel independent, but they also want to know their parents care about them,” says Nick Bach, Psy.D., a psychologist and CEO of Grace Psychological Services in Louisville, Kentucky. Finding the sweet spot between being overly controlling and giving too much freedom can be tricky but worth it. “When parents strike this balance, it fosters a relationship built on mutual respect and trust,” says Dr. Bach. “It also gives teens the space to grow while knowing they have a safety net of support.”
Carla Naumburg, Ph.D., LICSW, a clinical social worker and author of You Are Not a Sh*tty Parent: How to Practice Self-Compassion and Give Yourself a Break, agrees. “Staying involved — by getting to know your kids’ friends, helping them with their classes, taking them out for coffee or breakfast for a little one-on-one connection while also letting them make their own decisions and mistakes — is a powerful way to let your kids know how much you care,” she says.
3. You respect your teen’s privacy.
It’s natural to want to know what’s happening in your teen’s life. If you resist the temptation to snoop through their stuff, that’s worthy of celebration. “Respecting your teen’s privacy is a sign of trust,” Dr. Bach says. “It shows that you believe in their ability to handle aspects of their life independently. This respect for privacy helps teens feel more autonomous and responsible, and it often leads to them being more open and communicative because they don’t feel the need to hide things from you.”
Another upside to giving your teen privacy is they can learn from your example. “You teach them to respect other people’s boundaries by respecting theirs,” Dr. Cam says.
Of course, respecting your teen’s privacy doesn’t mean turning a blind eye. “We don’t need to completely untether ourselves from our teens to give them privacy,” says Whitney Fleming, a mom of three teens and author of the upcoming You’re Not a Failure, My Teen Doesn’t Like Me Either. “There needs to be lots of conversations about appropriate and safe communication, behavior and self-care.”
4. You apologize when you’re wrong.
If you say “sorry” to your teen after overreacting or jumping to conclusions, kudos to you. “Apologizing when you’re wrong shows teens that everyone makes mistakes, but it’s how we handle those mistakes that matters,” Dr. Bach says. “This behavior builds trust and respect in the parent-teen relationship, as teens feel more understood and validated when parents acknowledge their own errors.”
5. You don’t rush to “fix” everything.
When your teen does come to you with an issue, your first instinct may be to jump in with advice or solutions. “We forget that it’s our job to prepare our kids for the world, not fix everything for them,” Fleming says. Her advice: “Let your kids [try and] fail while you’re still around to guide them.” If you step back and become a sounding board to let your teen work through things, it builds their independence and problem-solving skills.
Read also: 6 types of skill set that can never be outdated
6. You listen first and then talk.
“Active listening is crucial in any relationship, but it’s especially so with teens who often feel unheard,” Dr. Bach says. “When you listen first and speak after, it validates your teen’s feelings and experiences.” This helps keep communication open, which he says means your teen will probably be more likely to come to you about concerns and problems.
7. You compliment your teen.
Just as you may feel like all you get is negative feedback, so do teens — from parents, peers, society and even themselves. “Focus on recognizing what your teen does well and acknowledging it, rather than just correcting mistakes,” Dr. Cam says. “This increases their positive behavior, boosts self-esteem and strengthens your connection with them.”
That’s not to say you should give praise just for the sake of praise. Teens can see right through it, Dr. Naumburg says. To be more genuine, she recommends noticing and acknowledging when your teen has overcome a challenge, stepped out of their comfort zone or worked harder than usual.
8. You don’t constantly say, “When I was your age…”
“Teens aren’t looking for constant life lessons — they’re looking for someone who will sit with them in their struggles and offer support,” Fleming says. That support shouldn’t center around what you did or how things were so much tougher when you were their age. If you avoid using this line (and similar ones), way to go.
9. You have fun together.
Consider it a victory if you and your teen can goof off together sometimes. Share jokes, hang out with each other, crack up at hilarious stuff on social media. “There’s nothing quite as healing as a good laugh, and it’s amazing when you and your teen can just let loose,” Dr. Naumburg says.
Read also: 9 important things parents should teach their child before they turn 5
10 You take care of yourself.
According to the Surgeon General’s report, parents are experiencing more burnout, isolation and loneliness. You can’t do your best parenting if you’re not at your best. The good news: “Now that your teen is older and more independent, you probably have a little more flexibility with your time,” Dr. Naumburg says. So, if you’re making time to get enough sleep, relax, move your body, hang out with friends and have good ole’ fun, you’re doing an awesome job!
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Contributed By Tamekia Reece
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