No, it’s not flowers, chocolate, or breakfast in bed.

How is your marriage?

As I approach my 40s, I start to see the struggles placed on a relationship surviving almost two decades.

The stress is real.

There is the mortgage payment, change of jobs, yearly increase in taxes, kids in school, more bills to pay, and loss of friends or family close to us.

It all puts a strain on your marriage.

After spending years together the honeymoon stage feels further away, and sometimes you have to remind yourself that you can just as easily fall into the “blah” category of your relationship as anyone else.

If you find yourself needing to reignite your marriage, here are 5 ways you can start feeding the flame that brought you together in the first place.

Read also: The 12 habits if the most productive people I know

Don’t keep score.

For some of us, it’s a natural thing to keep score.

I did the dishes last night and cooked dinner, so today it’s their turn.

They slept in yesterday while I was up getting the kids breakfast so tomorrow I should get to sleep in too.

Sometimes we want to keep score thinking it gets us closer to a winning outcome for ourselves, but it only leaves us feeling bitter and resentful.

Relationships don’t improve when someone is keeping track of the points.

Marriage certainly doesn’t thrive over time when one partner is constantly reminding the other one of whose “turn” it is for (fill in the blank).

Instead of keeping score, focus on giving because you can.

Home should be the one place you can return to where there is no score, just plain and ordinary no-strings-attached love.

Pretend you’re in love (even if you don’t feel like it).

When you have spent over a decade with someone, a lot of the mystery has unveiled itself.

Let’s be honest. The butterflies are not fluttering quite so fast anymore as they did in those first few years.

There are days when one or both of you are so focused on work, the kids, the house, the dog, or what’s on the calendar of the next to-do that it’s hard to snap back into the “in love” version of your relationship.

But do it.

Pretend you’re in love even if everything revolving around you doesn’t make you feel like it.

See where it takes you.

Tell her she looks sexy on a Tuesday morning.

Sometimes the act of being in love and making time for making out in the bedroom or grabbing on to one another for one last kiss before work stokes the fire you had when you first met.

Stop casually thinking about what you want to do, and start acting on it.

Read also: 5 habits of highly attractive people (I am working hard on #3)

Smile from across the room.

It’s tough to read self-improvement articles and not stumble upon the importance of showing kindness.

That goes for your marriage too.

According to SCL Health, when you smile it helps you fight off stress and releases endorphins that act as a mild pain reliever.

Why aren’t you smiling more?

Your partner sure could use seeing your smile, and your body will thank you for this small gesture that makes you feel happier.

Sometimes in the middle of a stressful or what seems like a mundane moment, a smile can stir something positive and uplifting.

If you walk around so seriously all the time, how will your partner know you’re open to feeling their love as well?

A smile says you’re approachable. It may be what you need to open the door to your body saying, “I’m here, and I’m into you.”

Be the “right” person.

In many love stories, we are constantly reminded of the message to “find” the right person.

Oh if we just “find” the right person our life will be complete.

Forget finding the right person and start “being” the right person.

Be the right person in your relationship right now.

Take all the qualities you want to see in your partner and start exhibiting them yourself.

Be a better listener, more patient, more giving, more positive, and more empathetic.

How can you sit in your relationship wanting more when you do not hold up to the standards in your head?

Look at yourself and how you are acting in your relationship. Are you the partner you would want in your marriage?

Start the conversation.

One of the two of you has to take the first step to start the conversation.

Don’t let pride rob you of more great moments in your marriage because you can’t admit to being wrong over a silly disagreement.

According to marriage.com,

Poor communication is one of the biggest reasons for 65% of divorces.

You can’t improve your relationship if you decide to shut down and stop talking because you’re irritated or frustrated.

Take time to be together and make intentional time to talk.

So much of the day ends up being centered around what has to get done, and often the hustle and bustle leave you with not enough time to have a conversation.

Read also: 10 qualities of people with amazing presence

Make time.

Your relationship can keep the spark alive if you continue to feed it with communication.

Every couple goes through different seasons in their relationship.

We are human, and it’s difficult to manage everything calling for our time and attention. As you get older, the responsibilities seem endless, and sometimes your marriage takes a backseat when it shouldn’t.

If you are in that season where your relationship needs some extra care, try any of these acts of love.

See what it does to stoke the flames of what you felt all those years ago.

CONTRIBUTED BY Allison Ditmer

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