The One Simple Question That Can Save Your Relationship.. This is classic!
Her thirst for peace was crushing her little by little. Arguments were the last thing she wanted, so she resorted to staying silent rather than speaking up. She spent the next 20 years of her life denying herself for her husband.
In the end, she fell into the dark hole of depression, from the frying pan into the fire. Her way of coping with arguments was to become agreeable by pretending that everything was fine and dandy. John Gray, a relationship expert, and author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus calls this technique: Fake.
We cope with arguments differently. John Gray categorizes these differences into 4F’s.
See where you fall.
Are you one of those partners who yell, judge, criticize and pour burning coals of anger with the core intention of intimidating your spouse? Your technique is Fight.
Are you that guy who crawls into a cave of silence and cold war because it’s a much comfortable place to be than talk things out? Then your technique is Flight.
Or, are you the one who martyrs herself, soaking up the blame for everything because you’d rather walk on a bed of hot coals than upset your partner. If that’s you, your technique is Fold.
At times, you might oscillate between all these.
Why these techniques are ineffective:
The problem with adopting any of these stances is that it breeds resentment for your lover, weakens the electrifying emotions and intimacy you felt initially, and at times, you might even lose yourself in the relationship. Arguments with your lover hurt more than those with your friends.
You’re much more vulnerable with your spouse, which means their words cut deeper, making it hard to detach and move on. You find it hard to be objective with someone you’re sexually and emotionally intertwined with, which means you only hear what you want to hear, not what they’re actually saying.
You take everything personally — their tone of voice and body language. You draw conclusions that don’t even exist. Arguments between spouses are slow poison. They’re more detrimental to the relationship than we think. Even after the dust settles, they leave destruction in their wake.
When your wife backs down, it seems like a win but do you actually feel good deep down? Nope. Even when she brews some coffee to “cool off,” It’s not usually the only thing brewing. Resentment starts to brew too. Mate, if you expect her to show you love, good luck.
To be clear, resentment swings both ways. Some men suddenly start overworking. It’s their way of crawling into their cave. At times one partner can spiral so far. I’ve heard tales of addictions and binge-eating just because of couples’ arguments.
The question then becomes: How we do muzzle the beast before it destroys the paradise of love you’re working so hard to nurture?
The minute you sense an argument starting to develop, stop. Step away. If you sense a change in the tone of voice, body language, or facial expression, mate, it’s time to go for that walk you’ve been procrastinating on all day. You’ll save yourself from going down the slippery road of spouting words you can’t come back from.
Plus, let’s be real, who doesn’t want to shed some unwanted kilos?
The one question that can save your relationship:
When you cool off and are ready to talk, ask yourself the most important question of all.
“What does my partner really need?”
Here’s the thing; An argument can’t stand on its own. It’s always strengthened by an underlying issue. The outburst is only a mask. Often, it’s because your husband no longer feels loved and your wife doesn’t feel validated.
They might say you don’t help with chores, or the kids, they might cite money problems, or that you don’t pay attention when they’re talking to you. But really, what they need is usually something much deeper.
At times its love, support, empathy, motivation, acknowledgment, intimacy, or connection. If your figure out what Bae really needs, your arguments will be a thing of the past.
CONTRIBUTED BY Leah Njoki
READ ALSO: 4 hard truths about relationships